Caffeine? Decaf? Both bad?

I just heard a news report talking about the results of a study in which it was found that decaffeinated coffee caused a jump in the production of certain fats in the bloodstream (the bad kind of cholesterol). Great. I've been switching over to decaf coffee for a while now by order of my doctor, because it makes my heart beat like that of a hummingbird goofed up on asthma medication. Now the decaf is clogging my arteries.

I'm beginning to get the idea that the medical industry does not want me drinking coffee. (Probably has something to do with the fact that it is one drug that they don't directly make a profit from.)

I just wish they would stop picking on coffee. With every study, it seems that coffee goes from being good for you to bad for you. Caffeine good. No wait, that's bad. Wait--it's good, but the use of Arabica beans is wiping out the population of a certain type of beetle. Stop it! Just let me enjoy of steaming, carcinogenic, cup of liquid death in peace.

Why not instead turn our direction to studying the harmful effects of something (seemingly) much more dangerous and common--like air?

Just consider these statistics:

1. Of all the people of this Earth who were alive for a time, but who are now dead, there is one common thread. They all breathed air. All their lives.

2. The harmful effects appear to be cumulative. If you look at two study groups: ones who are in their twenties, and those who are over a hundred years old, most of the people in the latter group are deceased, whereas the people in their twenties are considerably stronger and quite full of vigor. They have all been breathing air, but the folks in their 20s for a much shorter time.

So the moral is: hold your breath, everyone!

And make mine a double espresso...